The Many Forms of Envy
by iFlygon
Summary: Once Envy is forced to spy on HQ, he decides to turn into everyday objects to be able to spy and not get caught. Unfortunately for him, almost every disguise he picks will end it total and utter failure.
1. 1 through 6

**'Ello, everyone. I've decided to make this crack fic out of boredom, and since I need something to write other than "The Eastern Rebels". Oh, and I'd like to thank Just Leah for giving me half the ideas for this first chapter.**

Envy, everyone's favorite Homunculus, was given a job from Father: To use his tranformative abilities to turn into everyday objects, and spy on the military. Envy didn't want to, but he agreed. Unfortunately for him, his troubles were just beginning.

**1. Palm Tree**

It seemed like a very good disguise, since he practically was one. However, it ended up in failure, since he didn't "match the scenery" of Central. Envy still has a fear of any type of saw.

**2. Hairbrush**

"Fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four," Major Armstrong counted as he used Envy to brush his single golden lock of hair, "Fif- oh, I lost count. One, two, three..."

**3. Bush**

Envy stayed still in the grass, quietly watching the soldiers walk in and out of HQ. Suddenly, Lt. Hawkeye walked over to him and set her dog down. Black Hayate raised his hind leg-

**4. Mop**

It wasn't as bad as you think. He only been used to mop up some water and clean a few floors. But as you might expect, it had to end badly.

"Mr. Brennan!" an officer yelled to the janitor carrying Envy, "There's been some bad meat served for lunch today, and everyone's vomiting. Clean it up!"

**5. Brick**

Most people would never think of turning into a brick, but this is Envy we're talking about. Gluttony had to eat through a two foot thick wall to get to the brick that was Envy.

**6. Pencil**

Envy had finally done something worthwhile. He had infiltrated Mustangs office. Of course, it was the day when Mustang finally got to his paperwork, and he couldn't find a pen. Turns out that if you turn into a pencil and get sharpened, you'll be bald when you're human again.

**Hopefully you liked it, and you'll review. I'll keep updating this every other day, maybe every day if I can. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in a review or send me a message. See you later!**


	2. 7 through 11

**Whoez, we've got double fic updates tonight! Also, this fic got a surprising amount of views overnight, so thanks to everyone who read these. Also, I don't mind that much that you don't review this, being a crack fic and all, but I'd still appreciate it, along with any suggestions, since these aren't that easy to make. Either that, or my imagination sucks...and here I bring you chapter 2!**

**7. Carpet**

It was a dark and stormy night... All the soldiers were returning from their training, their boots covered in mud. They walked into HQ and trampled over the new carpet, which had a palm tree design.

**8. Cigarette**

After Havoc finished smoking Envy, he brutally threw him on the sidewalk and extinguished him with his boot.

**9. Cat**

"Black Hayate!" Fuery yelled as he ran after the dog, "Riza wanted me to take care of you! Stop chasing that cat!"

**10. Spoon**

After discovering how bad the cafeteria food was, Envy never turned into silverware again...

**11. Guitar**

Envy decided to be a guitar the same day Edward decided to be a guitarist. Before he could even get played, Mustang called Edward short, and Envy was smashed against the ground.

**I personally didn't like this one as much, so I'll try really hard to make the next one better than ever.**


	3. 12 through 16

**And here you have some more forms of Envy. Oh, and I'd like to thank iTorchic for giving me some ideas.**

**12. Glasses**

Kain Fuery was happily walking around outside, when he tripped of a rock, and his brand new glasses fell off. He crouched down and looked around for them, until he hear a -crack- come from under his shoe.

**13. Dog**

"A dog!" Breda screamed as he hid under a desk, "Get him out!"

Colonel Mustang picked up the puppy and grinned creepily, "Silence, Breda! Dongs are man's greatest companions! I'll keep you and name you Billy!"

The dog stared at Mustang in horror.

**14. Camera**

"Look, Edward! Look! Look at her!" Hughes said, shoving a photo of his daughter into Edward's face.

"Is that a camera in your hand?" Edward said, and Hughes showed him the camera he was holding.

"Yup, I found it this morning, and now I don't have to pay a photographer to take pictures of Elicia for me!"

"Can I hold that camera? I'll take a picture of you," Edward said.

"Sure!" Hughes said, and Edward took it with his automail hand. As Hughes smiled for the photo, Edward crushed the camera. If you listened carefully, you could hear a quiet scream as it broke.

**15. Painting**

"This one is very unimaginative," Hawkeye said.

"Who would buy this?" Mustang said.

"Not very good," Havoc said.

"Just say that it sucks and move on to the next one!" Edward exclaimed.

The group walked off to the next painting in the gallery, leaving the boy surrounded by palm trees in the painting glaring at them.

**16. Papers**

Envy thought this was an ingenious idea, until he realized what Mustang did with his paperwork.

When Hawkeye walked out of Mustang's office, he took his gloves out of his desk and grinned.

**I'll try to not take as long for the next chapter, alright?**


	4. 17 through 21

**And here are the next 5. I'd also like to thank Guardian Ruunai, who's review gave me the idea for #17**

**17. Boulder**

"The art of making statues has been passed down the Armstrong family for generations!" Major Armstrong exclaimed as he hit the large stone.

After a brief flash of light, Armstrong was looking at a beautiful statue of himself, in which he was only wearing only a loincloth.

**18. Telephone**

"Roy, Roy, Roy!" Hughes screamed into the phone, "Elicia just took her first steps!"

"Good for you," Roy groaned.

"And you know what? You know what? You kno-"

"WHAT!"

"Want to go for lunch later? Roy? Roy? I think he hung up...I'll just call again!"

**19. Newspaper**

"Can we please keep him here for a while, sir?" Alphonse asked, and showed Mustang a cat he was holding.

"But where will he- You know. We don't have any cat litter," Mustang replied.

"Can we use these newspapers?" Alphonse picked up a stack of newspapers on Mustangs desk.

"Alright then. Today's issue was really boring, anyway."

**20. Playing Cards**

"Hey Mustang!" Edward exclaimed dramatically, "I challenge you to D-D-D-D-DDDD-Duel!

*20 Minutes Later*

"You activated my trap card!" Edward yelled as he flipped over the card.

"No. Not again!" Mustang screamed and snapped his fingers. Edward's deck was gone.

**21. Bullet**

"It hurts!" Gluttony screamed as Lust looked at a hole in his forehead, "Some blonde lady shot me in the head! Get the bullet out!"

After a very painful procedure, Lust finally got the bullet out of Gluttony's head. As soon as she took it out, it turned into Envy.

Gluttony stared, "You were in my head?"

**I liked most of them, but I think the bullet was kind of stupid. Review if you can, and I'll try to get another one up soon!**


	5. 22 through 26

**And here you have the next five. I hope you like them!**

**22. Door**

"Hey Mustang, let me in!" Edward exclaimed from outside Mustang's office.

"Not until you calm down, Fullmetal," Mustang replied.

Suddenly the door slammed open, not only broken off its hinges, but broken to pieces. Edward triumphantly stood in the doorway, glaring at Mustang.

**23. A Woman**

This was actually one of Envy's first disguises, until Mustang met him.

"Hey, pretty," Mustang said, and winked, "Ever went out with a State Alchemist?"

**24. Bouncy Ball**

After waiting over a month, the Super-Bounce that Alphonse bought came in the mail. He took the ball outside, and whipped it at the sidewalk. Even today, there are stories of a bouncy ball floating in outer space.

**25. Hawkeye's Gun**

The things that Envy saw when he turned into Hawkeye's gun was so horrifying and scary that it is too difficult to write it all. After he stopped turning into it, he had a newfound respect for Breda, Havoc, and Mustang.

**26. Barbell**

"One thousand," Major Armstrong exclaimed as he continued to lift weights, "Two hundred...fifty...eight!"

Envy wasn't planning to stay in this form for very long, but Armstrong took over three hours every day to lift weights.

**Review if you can, and I'll continue to update.**


	6. 27 through 36

**Guess what? This fic has reached 1000 freaking hits! Sure, lots of fics have way more, but still. 1000 hits! Thank you everyone, and to commemorate this, this chapter will have twice as many forms of Envy. Enjoy!**

**27. Rock**

One dark night, Scar was walking around Central, when he saw a State Alchemist.

"I'm Scar, and you're going to die!" he said, completely out of character.

"No, I will not!" replied the alchemist, but Scar was already running up to him. He was too stupid to actually use alchemy, so he threw a rock at Scar, who caught it and blew it up. A few seconds later, the same thing happened to the alchemist.

**28. Pillow**

"Not fluffy enough!" Major Armstrong screamed as he punched his pillow yet again. After he finished, he slept face-down on it for the rest of the night.

**29. Mouse**

In the end, Envy was running for his life from a cat, who was also running for his life from Black Hayate.

**30. Tree**

"I almost have it, brother!" Alphonse said as he edged closer to a cat that was stuck in a tree.

"You're too heavy, Al! The branch is going to break!" Edward yelled.

"I got it!" Al said as he took the cat into his hands.

*SNAP*

**31. Book**

It turns out the day Envy became a book was also the day the Central City Library was burned down.

**32. Van Hohenheim**

When he walked back to Father's chamber after wandering as Hohenheim for a day, he was viciously attacked by all the Homunculi who were there at the time. Father was not amused.

**33. A Dress**

"Envy?" Lust said as she picked Envy off a rack at the store.

"Lust?" Envy quietly replied.

They vowed to never speak of this again.

**34. Clock**

"What time is it, Havoc?" Breda said.

"It's 6:30, we get out of work in an hour," Havoc replied.

-3 hours later-

"What time is it?" Breda asked again.

"6:30," Havoc replied, "Wait, what!"

**35. Photograph**

"Um, Maes," Roy said nervously, "What's wrong with your kid?"

"What are you...AH!" Hughes exclaimed as he turned over the photograph he was showing Mustang. It showed an ugly little boy with hair like a palm tree, "Piece of- Roy, you can burn it if you want."

**36. Major Armstrong's Sparkles**

Once Envy discovered that Armstrong's sparkles follow him _everywhere_, he left him. Later that day, Armstrong looked in the mirror, and noticed that one of his sparkles were gone. He fell to his knees and began to cry.

"NOOO!" he screamed in an unnaturally high pitched voice, breaking all the glass in a one mile radius.

**I hope you liked this extra-long chapter. Also, in the next 24 hours, I plan to post another crack fic called "The Elric Diaries". Hopefully you'll like it, and don't forget to review this one. Now let's try to get 2000 hits!**


	7. 37 through 41

**I'm really sorry for not updating this fic for so long. I'm also going to attempt to update "The Eastern Rebels" today, and if possible, I'll make another Elric Diaries. I've just been really busy lately, and I'm planning for the release of another fic, but I'll need a lot of reviewers for it to work. Anyway, after days of waiting, we have 5 more Forms of Envy!**

**37. Cookie **

As all the State Alchemists looked at the plate, carrying the final cookie, there was a battle of untold proportions for possession of the cookie. However, as the battle came to an end, it became apparent that the cookie was destroyed in the turmoil.

**38. A Screw**

Turns out that Edward's automail didn't break because he didn't treat it well, but because Envy had gotten bored and left Ed's arm.

**39. Shirt**

There was really no point in Envy turning into a shirt, because within seconds of being put on, Armstrong ripped it off.

**40. Key**

After getting hurt in various ways, Envy decided to have some fun. He turned into the key to the Fuhrer's office, and watched Wrath try to open the door for over half an hour.

**41. Roy Mustang's Glove**

Roy looked around for hours, but he just couldn't find his left glove. When he decided to give up, he looked in front of his desk, and saw his gloves running out the door, using two of the fingers as legs.

**Remember to review!**


	8. 42 through 46

**Note To All Readers – Due to school starting for me on Monday, I don't know how much I'll be able to update, depending on how busy I am. If my days don't get too busy, I'll probably update my crack fics even more, due to the madness that is my life. I also have an idea for a big fic, but until I know if I'll even have time to update once a week, I won't post it. Anyway, enjoy this chapter!**

**42. Wig**

To everyone's horror, Armstrong walked out of his house one day, sporting a massive blonde afro.

**43. Lightbulb**

How many Alphonses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question: they can't. It'll break as soon as they pick it up.

**44. Quarter**

Envy spent a whole day as a 25 cenz coin glued to the ground, and watched people try to pick him up repeatedly.

**45. A Glass of Milk**

Envy had no idea Edward hated milk, until he turned into a glass full of it and waited next to Edward's bed. When Edward walked in, he picked up Envy, screamed, "No more, Al!" and threw Envy out of the window and on the sidewalk. But not before he fell three stories down.

**46. Scissors**

After over 30 incidents of scissors that cut unexpectantly, 17 soldiers had nearly lost their fingers, 12 had lost at least one, and one young alchemist was uneffected, due to his automail hands.


	9. 47 through 51

**Yup, I'm finally making an update. Sorry if it's not very exciting, but I decided to let Envy have some fun for once.**

**47. Flag**

For some reason, the flag with a palm tree design wouldn't go down the flagpole. That is, not until King Bradley climbed up with a sword and sliced it off.

**48. Scarf**

"Take it off, take it off!" Mustang screamed, rolling on the floor in his office as his scarf tightened around his throat. However, Riza thought he was saying something...inappropriate to her, so she just continued working.

**49. Wire**

Ed was warned that the wiring in the storage closet wasn't very good. He didn't believe them. That is, until a sparking wire entwined itself around his metal arm.

**50. Stapler**

After the incident of the bloody stapler, all staplers had to be contained in locked shelves until a superior officer allowed you to use them.

**51. Automail**

"I thought Winry fixed this thing!" Edward yelled to Alphonse, as he tried to remove the arm that wouldn't stop punching him.

**Yeah, I know it's been forever since my last update (about 2 and a half weeks, I think). I'm really sorry about this, but with my freshman year in school having just started, I've been really busy. Starting now, I'll try to get at least one update in per week. - iFlygon**


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